The stuff of life.

Gorf Life is an unprecedented type of skate brand thematically based on a reasonably absurd parochialism. It is literally seminal and for this reason it has great value.
Gorf is a Wisconsinite word defined as male human ejaculate. It is therefore 50% of what propagates the human species and is generally seen and felt following an arguably paroxysmal physical event. It is essentially the vehicle in which half our chromosomes travel. Gorf can be thought of as a mobile reproductive swimming pool of mucous. No need to recoil from that particular type of mucous, it is beautiful and fun regardless of its sliminess. Wear it with pride. It is half of all human life after all.
In light of this and in the spirit of presenting skateboarding as more art than sport I am happy to introduce you to 2 fine men who have been producing exceptional work for many moons now. So without further ado, lesbians, gays, cross-dressers and trans-genders I present to you…Tim and Eric.

YouTube Preview Image

Eric Risser Interview:

What was the first movie you saw w/ boobs in it?
I think on TV in Europe on a family vacation when I was a kid. They show boobs on TV there.

When did you know that you wanted to be a skateboarder?
As soon as I was asked to do this interview. Seemed more lucrative than grad school too.

What is the only rule to skateboarding?
Highest ollie wins.

If there are no rules too skateboarding  then how come people hate so much?

It’s fun to be mean.

People are gonna hate the video and think you guys are dumb, what kinda stuff so you think they’ll say in the comments section.
“I could do all those tricks. I might just be one person, but I am cooler than both Tim and Eric put together.” I will not dispute either one of those claims.

Who’s more of a busted sell out ICE CUBE, GEORGE LUCAS or ICE T?
Ice-T. Remember Body Count?

What is a dream sponsor?
Arby’s. Perks would include half off on 5 for 5s and free refills for life.

The classic Howard Stern “F, Marry and Kill”. Phoebe Cates, Molly Ringwald, Natalie Portman? 
Marry, marry, marry. All at once.

If you could pick a fantasy skateboard session, pro’s, bros or any body, name 5 people, the spot and the soundtrack?
1. Tim (contractual obligation)
2. Daniel Gezmer
3. Gou Miyagi
4. You
5. My mom (to stand off to the side and film it all on her point and shoot camera and clap when someone lands a trick)

We are all at the Deca warehouse, except it’s retrofitted like a discotheque. Daft Punk’s “One More Time” is playing… on loop.

What is the most promising thing in skateboarding?
Post-Modernism.

What’s most concerning?
The Berrics. Namely because kids are going to grow up and spell “barracks” wrong for the rest of their lives.

What is your least favorite fad?
Everyone is really good at skateboarding. I don’t think that’s really a fad though.

People would be surprised  to know that I love?
Jogging.

2 favorite youtube clips for this week?

YouTube Preview Image
YouTube Preview Image

Reveal a secret to the www that nobody knows about?  It will be yours and the internet’s secret.

Tim is not actually my dad.

Lieutenant Worf skates. Who’s his all time favourite pro skater and why?

PLG. Worf loves vert.

Most embarrassing song on my ipod?
I found a Sugar Ray mix CD that a girl I used to date left in my car. I listen to that a lot. I’m not ashamed.

Whats better ROBOCOP or Predator?
Apples and oranges.

There’s a war outside of your window?……….
I was so sad when he died at the end of that video.

Tell us something interesting about Milwaukee that nobody knows.

Milwaukee’s actually a pretty big city.

Who’s your favorite emerging skate talent that the readers will know?
Tim

Top 5 least favorite words or phrases?
1. Friend who actually hasn’t left his house yet: “Hey man, wait up for me… I’m like 5 minutes away”
2. College bro: “Epic fail!”
3. Authority figure: “Can’t you guys read?”
4. Girls: “We need to talk… it’s about us.”

5. Also, anytime anyone ends a sentence with “son”.

Top 5 best names for tricks (real or imagined)?
1. Corn on the Cock (hardflips that go vertical… A la Muska)
2. Party platter (any form of lip combo)
3. Long distance dedication (manuals over 100 feet long)
4. Sog (crooked grind to fakie)
5. Big Southside (Don’t even know what this one entails. It’s never been landed in competition)

Tell us a mid-west skate related story that contains a strong narrative arc.
In an effort to boost sticker sales, Roger Skateboard Corporation contracts an unlikely Wisconsin based duo to film a full length part for their upcoming video. A street-smart skate veteran who isn’t afraid to break the rules and an even-tempered, ambitious rookie set out to film their best part ever. Despite their differences, filming goes smoothly until they review their footage and uncover a series of clues leading to an assassination plot. Now it’s up to them to finish their video part and stop the skate assassin before it’s too late.

Thanks you: 
Sieben! And everyone at Roger. Tim, Nate Theis, all my friends in Milwaukee, Broadcast, Adidas.
and F.U’s.
No one. Everyone is my friend.

Tim Olson Interview:

What was the first movie you saw w/ boobs in it?
I want to say The Blue Lagoon in 1980, but I’m not sure if you ever saw Brooke Shields full on boobs in it.
Either way, I remember being “stoked”.

When did you know that you wanted to be a skateboarder?
When Neal Shah hippy jumped my dumb freestyle bike in 1986.

What is the only rule to skateboarding?
Each of the 10 competitors takes three 45-second runs with the best score of the three serving as the final score for the standings.
Competitors will be judged based on aggressive execution of maneuvers, degree of difficulty, variety, continuity of run, originality and style, amplitude and use of the ramp.

People are gonna hate the video and think you guys are dumb?  what kinda stuff so you think they’ll say?  in the comments section.
“Gay” and “sucks” will be common words. But if having tons of fun and doing what you want is gay and sucking, then I’m the Liberace of skateboarding.

Who’s more of a busted sell out ICE CUBE, GEORGE LUCAS or ICE T?
George. I think we all know what 4-LOM stands for. But hell, I’d do it too. Who doesn’t want to be rich?

What is a dream sponsor?
Roger. One that I don’t already have? Probably Shake Junt or Toy Machine socks.

The classic Howard Stern “F, Marry and Kill” .
Uma Thurman, Uma Thurman and Bill.

If you could pick a fantasy skateboard session, pro’s, bros or any body,
name 5 people, the spot and the soundtrack?
Tyler, Bozo, Stevie, Radley, and Corey Webster at the Ramp Locals ramp while listening to Agent Orange.

Lieutenant Worf skates. Who’s his all time favourite pro skater and why?

Cara Beth Burnside. Why? I don’t know. Worf is a mysterious klingon.

What is the most promising thing in skateboarding?
The older you get, the more fun it becomes.

What’s most concerning?
I worry about not being able to skate anymore. I wake up feeling like I was in a car wreck on a regular basis.
I wonder if Lori Rigsby’s old and grey and all of her bones are broken and won’t heal anymore so she can’t skate?

What is your least favorite fad?
I don’t know. I think all fads are dumb, although I have participated in many. Least favorite? Fixed gear bikes, I guess.

People would be surprised  to know that I love?
Are you expecting me to say men? Probably anything. I’m such a hater.

2 favorite youtube clips for this week?

YouTube Preview Image
YouTube Preview Image

Reveal a secret to the www that nobody knows about?  It will be yours and the internet’s secret.
I’m a virgin.

Most embarrassing song on my ipod?
Look at me, do you think I’m embarrased of anything?

Which is better ROBOCOP or Predator?
Get real. ROBOCOP. All day. Bitches leave.

What if anything have you learned from Clarence Boddicker?
Don’t burn the fuckin’ money. It works on so many levels.

There’s a war outside of your window?……….
It’s true. I have some sketchy drug dealers living right next door. The war on drugs wages on.

Tell us something interesting about Milwaukee that nobody knows.
It’s great for skateboarding. It really is. Of all the places I have ever been, it’s still my favorite place to skate.
Sorry, California.

Top 5 least favorite words or phrases?
I don’t like the word “trick”. It makes skateboarding sound like magic, and magic is pretty much the lamest thing out there. I prefer the term “move” or “manuever”.
“Hammer” is pretty bad.
“Crushing it” is awful.
The word “jam” bums me out. Skate jam. Pole jam. Jam band. Go jam your rod in a electrical outlet.
“Work” is the worst.

Top 5 best names for tricks (real or imagined)?
Cold hearted snake.
The Beastmaster.
Corn on the cock.
The Mario Kart.
The Brown Nose.
-All real moves.

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe…” Thus begins Rutger Hauer’s seminal Blade Runner monologue. Imagine it is you sitting on your board in the rain atop a similar high-rise building in Los Angeles in the year 2019. Construct your own monologue to sum up your experience of skateboarding closing out, of course, with the famous line “…all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.” Bear in mind your submission must be poetically comparable to the original.

I’ve seen things you Californians wouldn’t believe. Ten foot piles of dirty, polluted snow on the shores of Lake Michigan. Frozen trucks glittering in the dark near the Turf skatepark gates. All those moments, will be lost in time, like tears in the rain…….time..to..die.”

Thanks you’s: Sieben and Stacy at Roger, Kelly at Broadcast, George at Adidas, Josh Ellis, Eric Risser, Nate Theis, John McGuire, Chris Eicher, Mark Zitzer, Aaron Polanski,
Bill Kaschner, Mike Roebke, Derek Apel, wiskaters, cheesebonkers, vromen, Thomas at Nature hardware, Dave Kiehl and all the people that can appreciate skateboarding in any and all forms. It’s all good.

No F.U.’s.

Interview conducted by serrated boomerang in conjunction with the predatory bird

8 thoughts on “The stuff of life.

  1. Mario Combo Biker is a Mario game making tricks with a bike, spinning, to throw off twice, do flip flaps and earn points.
    As you know Mario has a lot of hidden talents and one of it is to make your favorite bike tricks. Help him make the most spectacular acrobatics combo to win the competition. You can play in two modes, career and Time Attack.

  2. Pingback: 411 Video Magazine – The YouTube of it’s Time and The 411 Conspiracy Theory. | the predatory bird

  3. Oh thank God… skateboardings been saved.

    Just in the nick of time too. It got close there for a minute guys.

  4. Pingback: True Skateboard Magazine » Blog Archive » The Predatory Bird – Tim And Eric Interview

Comments are closed.